Nobody told me I’d be too busy making the memories to enjoy them

[Jessica Koosed Etting]

A few weeks before my son Oliver turned eight, planning his birthday started taking up residence in my brain.

We weren’t aiming for anything particularly extravagant. We were having extended family over for dinner and cake, and enjoying the same traditions we’d built around birthdays over the years. Breakfast in bed with balloons. Presents. Time with grandparents. His favorite meal for dinner. And at the end of the night, we’d go around the table and each say three things we loved about him.

These little rituals have become the essence of our family’s birthday magic.

They also don’t just magically happen.

In the weeks leading up to the big day, I was thinking about what Oliver wanted, figuring out the food, doing the shopping, wrapping the gifts, finding cute decorations, coordinating with family about wish lists, ordering the cake, making sure his brothers had something to give him, and remembering the special cereal he wanted. I was doing all of that alongside work and school and dinner and everything else our family already had going on.

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Then the birthday came, and it all went off as planned, for the most part. Oliver was thrilled. His brothers were excited. Our family was there. At one point, the boys were all playing and laughing together with their grandparents, and I remember wanting to go sit with them.

Instead, my brain took over. If I didn’t start clearing dinner now, we’d get the cake too late, and we still needed to have time for presents.

So I got up. Set up the cake and dessert. Found the candles I’d bought. Rounded everyone up. Took pictures. And then came more dishes and wrapping paper to clean up and wrangling three tired kids into bed.

Later that night, I sat down and looked through the photos on my phone of everyone smiling together. They were exactly the kind of pictures that make you think, This. This is the good stuff.

But, I couldn’t remember a single moment where I had really enjoyed it or even felt present with my son the whole night. And, unfortunately, birthdays weren’t the only time I felt like this.

The mental load of making memories​

I always thought I’d be the type of mom who loved creating fun memories for my kids. Until I became a parent, I never realized how much invisible labor it took to create those magical moments of childhood.

Tooth fairy rituals, holiday traditions, family vacations and weekend outings… They all require someone planning things out in advance. And, usually, that someone is Mom.

To be clear, I love creating fun moments for our family. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it wasn’t something I personally wanted to give up. But something needed to change.

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Because, while I was busy planning and managing the entire experience, I wasn’t participating. Instead of enjoying my time on the beach with the kids, I was already thinking about who needed sunscreen re-application, or the groceries we’d need to grab for the next day, or the email I needed to send back to their coach.

Some of that is unavoidable. But all of it didn’t have to be mine.

Learning to be present in the moment​

I wish I could say I simply decided to be more present, but it took years to build better habits around how our family plans and shares the work, and I still catch myself slipping into cruise-director mode sometimes.

But as the founder of Jam, an all-in-one calendar and organization app to reduce the mental load of modern family life, I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about how to better manage the invisible labor that piles up. And over the years, I’ve found some tried-and-true ways to alleviate it, especially during those special magical moments.

• Be a real team. My husband and I now share more of the planning from the beginning. We’ve learned to divide things based on our interests and skills. I love decorating, adding special touches, and cooking. He’s great at researching gifts and doing all the shopping. When needed, he’ll take on more of the day-to-day tasks than usual to give me more bandwidth for whatever special moment we have coming up.
• Make it visible. Having a shared family hub like Jam—where the schedules, lists, and to-do’s are all in one spot—makes everything visible to the rest of the family and makes it easier for us to work as a team. Now, a month before the birthday, a to-do list pops up in our shared dashboard that we can all add to together. It also means I have a place to put those thoughts when they enter my brain at inopportune times, allowing me to be more present and avoid carrying it all on my own.
• Review the plan. Before a busy day, trip, birthday or holiday, my husband and I will also talk through the game plan together. Who’s doing what? What time does something need to happen? It sounds incredibly basic, but for years I was the only one who knew the plan, which meant I was the one orchestrating and remembering everything in the moment, as well. (Now that my kids are older, they’re part of these chats, too!)
• Make the most of other people’s help. I’ve gotten much more comfortable outsourcing, delegating, and dropping things altogether. Sometimes we order the food. Sometimes someone else brings dessert. Sometimes the extra thing I had in my head simply doesn’t happen. I’m much better now at understanding whether something will actually add to the experience or just add more work.

Enjoying the magic moments that happen every day​

Over time, I also realized that some of the most special moments with my kids require absolutely no planning at all. A slow Sunday morning when nobody has anywhere to be. A few extra cuddles and arm tickles at bedtime. The last ice cream cone of summer, before “real life” starts again.

But those moments are also so easy to miss when half your brain is already in tomorrow.

Now I’m better at recognizing that constant pull of the mental load, and pressing pause on it, too.

There will always be something that needs to happen next. I’m a working mom with three kids, after all, so it’s unavoidable. But I am more aware now that I don’t want to spend their childhood constantly preparing for the next part of it. Sometimes Sunday morning is a good time to get a jump on a few things that need to get done… and sometimes, it isn’t.

When I look back at the pictures, I want to see more than the beautiful moments I created for my kids.

I want to remember how it felt to be there with them, too.